Right Guys welcome to the first official meeting of the Bad Mummy Club, today discussions will be started off by the lovely Caroline Hirons
I will be taking minutes for those of you who can’t attend, so see me after the meeting.
Confessions of a Bad Mother Part One.
41, mum of four aged 19, 16, 9 and 6. BBGB.
I would like a Bad Mother badge because – In no particular order:
- I love my kids – but I would like to be able to poo/bathe in piece for just ten minutes without interruption. So I sneak off when I need time to myself. Throw food in front of them (or even better, sweets) turn the telly on and away I go. Even if I get 5 minutes – bliss.
- During the winter my two youngest get baths once a week at the weekend. I don’t have the energy or the inclination – they go to school in full uniform and come home – how dirty can they BE?? Obviously in the summer they get sweaty and dirty every day but that, dear friends, is why the Sweet Baby Jesus made garden hoses and paddling pools. Chuck ‘em in, splash around, get them out and put them straight into their pj’s.
- I hate the park. Sorry, I mean I. HATE. THE. PARK. – a nice long walk through a BIG park, like Hyde Park/Kensington Gardens – fine.
I’m talking about a PLAYGROUND scenario. Swings/Slides/merry-go-rounds??? Ugh. No thank you. ‘Push me! Look at me! Watch me! Push me! Mummy it’s MY turn!’ No thanks – you can keep it – I’ll take them shopping and for lunch. I’m exhausted thinking about it.
- Ditto public swimming pools. Wading around in a big vat of other people and their kid’s piss? I’d rather shoot myself in the face. Ask Daddy. He’ll take you – I’m cleaning.
- I hate helping with homework. Mine get FAR too much and it is just NEVER ENDING. I hate it. And school ‘projects’? You can shove them up your arse too. ‘Mummy I forgot to tell you – I’m a tree in the play tomorrow!’ Jesus. ‘Mummy I need to make the complete planetary system for science tomorrow.’ That teacher is NOT on my Christmas card list and is lucky if they don’t receive a verbal bashing in the middle of the playground.
- If my 16 year old leaves his phone unlocked and near me I read his text messages. Don’t give me that crap about privacy – he’s 16! Remember 16??? You’re an IDIOT at 16. You think you know everything – you know NOTHING. I’m merely protecting his interests. He’s extremely intelligent but the lack of common sense in him and his friends is astounding. But they can’t help it – they’re 16. And anyway, he KNOWS I’m going to read his messages so it’s really his fault if he leaves it lying around – isn’t it?
- I lie to my kids. All the time. Not about the important stuff, just stuff that I’ve decided they need to be told a lie about. No guilt whatsoever.
- I swear in front of them. Every day. They tell me off. I try. But come ON. I’m human. And it’s probably their fault that I’m swearing in the first place!
- They eat whatever we have the energy to cook. They are on first name terms with every cereal on the market. And if mummy and daddy are exhausted? Pizza. Takeaway. Chinese. Takeaway. See a pattern?
- I throw out their stuff. They have so much CRAP and they leave it lying around EVERYWHERE, they get one warning, after that if it’s not moved it goes in the bin. Sometimes i just bin it. What they don’t know is gone they won’t miss…
I would like to counter the above by stating for the record:
My babies are the love of my life.
They are my favourite people on earth.
I would die for them, happily.
I tell them every single day how much I love them and how gorgeous/clever/special they are.
I know they are coming down with something before they do – it’s the sweet smell of their breath and something in their eyes.
I know what childhood illnesses they have all had and when they had them, like a diary in my head.
I know them better than anyone – I know what they are thinking before they think it.
If i die tomorrow I will rest easily knowing that I did the best job I did and my kids will know how much they were worshipped and adored.
Just don’t ask me to go to the park.
I’m sure you will agree Caroline deserves a Gold Star for being a Bad Mummy…Welcome to the club!